Filed in the "Better Never Than Late" category, my aunt who said she wasn't giving Christmas presents this year just gave me a pair of bedroom slippers. I suppose technically, this was a re-gift, because she had bought the slippers for her husband who couldn't wear them. (His feet are too wide.) Since she bought them on "Christmas Clearance" for $4.75, she thought I might get more use out of them than the trash can. That remains to be seen.

See, these aren't just any slippers, but Conairâ„¢ Massaging Slippers. That title is a little misleading. They don't massage so much as they vibrate. Anyone who confuses a vibration with a massage has clearly not had a real massage. It makes you wonder what those people call "turbulence."

Each of these slippers requires a single AAA battery to begin their "massage" function. The battery compartment is inside the sole of the slipper, which has the unfortunate effect of making wearing the slippers feel like you are balancing on a narrow remote control. Despite what the packaging says, "comfortable" and "relaxing" are not words I would use to describe the experience.

Conairâ„¢, the same company that made my hairdryer, seems to have several misunderstandings about what house slippers should be. You know something isn't quite right when slippers come with a 6-page instruction booklet. Included in the "Important Safety Instructions" for this delightful pair of shoes:

• This product should not be used by, on, or near children. (No standing on children, check.)
• Never drop or insert any object into this product, except feet. (What do I do with the battery, then?)
• Should pain or discomfort result, discontinue use and consult your doctor. (Call my doctor for pain? What a novel idea!)
• Do not use while bathing or in a shower. (You really don't know what slippers are for, do you Conairâ„¢?)

The "don't ever get them wet" warning appears in one variant or another 6 times in the Warnings and Cautions. I guess wearing these things fresh out of the shower is a no-no then, too. I'm beginning to think that the "faux suede" is made of the pelt of mogwai from Gremlins.

Will I wear these slippers? I don't know. They aren't very comfortable, and I suspect that the instruction booklet would frown on any attempt to wear them with socks or while drowsy, like, you know, shortly before bedtime. Other than that, they are a great gift. Thanks, Kelley!

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